As the year draws to a close, and with everyone jotting down their resolutions, it’s time for me to pen mine.
For 2011, I want to take back myself.
This year has brought about dramatic changes for me. While most people who know me say it’s been a positive transformation, I don’t necessarily agree.
Naturally dissociative, I forced myself to reintegrate into family life. While I don’t mind the reunion, the sheer volume of associated trivia—ranging from petty squabbles over possessions to endless updates on relatives and stepping up in times of family crises—has been overwhelming. I am not claiming superiority over anyone; I simply crave liberation from this draining communal existence.
Since moving out, I have managed to build my own quiet empire, but since late December 2009, and throughout this year ending in November 2010, I’ve been under immense pressure. This resulted in insomnia to such a degree that 15mg of Valium has no effect. Doctors, multiple sedatives, antidepressants, alcohol, and other recommended substances have all failed to help.
The norms and logic that I applied to everyday life disappeared, and everything felt wrong this past year. I thought returning to my comfort zone would solve these issues, but problems persist.
Two months in, I’m still struggling. Most of my blog posts are written after 3 AM. My work productivity has plummeted, and freelance projects are off the table. I drive slowly, lacking concentration, and walk unsteadily as if inebriated, plagued by fatigue.
Therefore, for 2011, my goal is to take back my life. I want to enjoy what I once did, catch up on everything I love, enhance what needs improving, find new ways to relieve stress, distance myself from what’s harmful, and, most importantly, I need to sleep.
For those who have read this far, I offer you a New Year’s wish: May you find joy and fulfilment here, there, and everywhere.
Thus spake the night spirit.
